He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
