I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
