You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
