i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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