I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
God I need to hump something, right now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
