Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
