Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
