the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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