Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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