i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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