I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
