I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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