grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
