I'm so fucking centered right now
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
