gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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