break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
babies were throwing up all over the place
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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