Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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