I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
