In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
