I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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