How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
