The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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