You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You pole danced in your parka.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
