I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
