I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
