I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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