Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
