I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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