I've blown a few things in my day
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
