So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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