I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
