he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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