I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am spending my child support on dildos
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
