When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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