I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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