I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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