We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
