If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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