I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
