It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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