I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
