Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
