So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
