Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
