wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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