I'm sorry my penis didn't work
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
