he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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