i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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