I CAN MOONWALK!
I have demons in me.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
