I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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