it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
