Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
