Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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