I got chris browned last night
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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